Published April 21, 2008
I NEED SUGGESTIONS MAJORLY! TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG AND HELP ME FIX THIS! I NEED TO GET IT PERFECT!
Tiny Hands, Tiny Feet
For Melissa and Ashton
By Ailam Remard
She only got two hours,
To hold her baby boy,
To look into his eyes,
Too see his tiny hands and tiny feet.
She savored every moment,
That she was with him,
For she knew his time was running short,
And he soon would be on his way.
A ten hour labor,
And all she got was this,
Just two hours of her precious baby,
She’d fallen in love with.
It didn’t seem fair,
To lose such a precious thing,
One that had a future,
That might do extraordinary things.
But God had a plan for him,
A plan that would send him back home,
So she loved her baby, Ashton,
Until he had to go.
She told him to be a good boy,
To respect his Father in Heaven,
And to look after his brother and sisters,
She would eventually have and fall in love with.
And then his spirit slipped away,
And flew high up to Heaven,
Where a Father wait with open arms,
That he would hold him with.
And then he looked down at his mother,
Who lay weeping in the hospital bed,
A tear slid down his face,
And he reached out to touch her.
And she might have felt it,
For the touch was so soft,
The touch of a tiny hand trying to comfort his mother,
That belonged to her baby with tiny hands and tiny feet.
I NEED SUGGESTIONS MAJORLY! TELL ME WHAT I DID WRONG AND HELP ME FIX THIS! I NEED TO GET IT PERFECT!
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140,891 Literary Works • 673,705 Reviews
It was absolutely beautiful!! You conveyed the eomtions very strongly. There were only a few minor mistakes, other than that i love it! I just absolutely love it! I love babys and when i read this my heart melted!
a few things you may consider correcting:
you repeated 'thing' twice, when you read it out loud it doesn't sound very nice. try rephrasing the second line.
waited*
If you read it more carefully you'll find some more.
I also really liked how you referred to Heaven as home.
GREAT poem.
pm me if you need anything.
Nilou
This was very heartfelt and sincere it seems. By dropping a few sentences here and there and changing a couple words around it could look more professional. Dropping the last stanza especially i found. But you posted this awhile ago and I'm sure by now if you wanted to keep going with this you would've noticed it. It is also understandable that you want to leave it precisely the way it is because of the topic though. Sorry for your loss.
That was nice, I loved every bit of it, great work!
Wow. I cried. seriously, I cried. That was a very good poem to make me cry.
It was very nice, but you made a mistake that I see a lot--the words don't match the flow. I got lost in the middle thanks to that. It was a very deep poem, expressing a lot of emotion (my eyes started watering), so I suggest that you work on the flow and post it again! I'm sure Ashton is very honored that you wrote this poem just for him.
Wow, that was so deep. Your seriously gona make me cry. And your wrong, thats a very awsome poem. It was so deep, you've really drawn me in with that.
Keep it up, i'm sure Ashtons proud of you.